I have a problem and its name is loneliness.
It’s a disease that I suffer from. That’s the only way to describe it, because I do have friends, and I do socialise. But somehow I always end up feeling alone, everywhere I go.
It’s a conundrum for the Information Age. I can be “close” to my family far away, just a click of a button to connect, so I can travel far and wide, live on the other side of the world. But in truth I’m on the other side of the world. Nothing changes that. The internet at the touch of my finger tips spoils me, tricks me into thinking I have all I could need, that I have enough contact. But in truth I do not.
I don’t know why I persist. I tell myself it’s for my career, it’s for some greater good. But maybe I’m just sick. Maybe it’s not even a disease; maybe it’s an addiction. I am hooked on loneliness. It’s all I know anymore, so it’s become my way of life.
Don’t feel sorry for me…somewhere down the line, I chose this for myself.
Maybe there’s hope in change. Maybe my future will be more “populated”. But for now, and for what has felt like a long time, this has been my life.
I don’t think I understand how to exist in a group of people with similar interests. I always saw myself as being on the outside, the fringe of any group. And I’m talking from my school days onwards. I think because I always felt like an outsider, I figured I’d just actually be an outsider; I ended up ostracising myself. Now I live in China, a blond American in a sea of black-haired Chinese, living and learning the language knowing full well I can never become “one of them”. If I think about it, I have somehow lead myself into a social position wherein every day I have the opportunity to feel as isolated and alone as I did in 8th grade.
When I come home at the end of a day of work, I am alone. I live with colleagues, but they are three men to my one woman, all different ages and backgrounds. They are not a family. My work keeps me too busy to find another family, like Juliana’s Academy of Dance or JAZZ du FUNK or the Manchester Uni Speleology Club were for me at other stages of my life. I am alone.
It’s hitting me a little bit harder right now, because I’m not having a lot of success in finding a family or a partner to share my life with. Everything I want seems to go in the opposite direction of where those I love want to go. Maybe I should tell them “I’m sorry.” Maybe I should pretend I’m Elsa from “Frozen” and say “I’m never going back, the past is in the past!…Let the storm rage on; the cold never bothered me anyway.”
Elsa, dear, it might just be my experience causing me to read things into it, but I always hear sarcasm in that last line.
“Let it Go” from “Frozen” if you haven’t heard it yet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVVTZgwYwVo
Leave a comment, yo, and give me some digital love.